today was one of those days i wish i would've just stayed in bed.
2 mins. after waking the boys up, there was a fight.
"you promised me i could wear THOSE socks","those are my shorts", "can't you close your mouth when you chew?"
two of the three caught the bus, without brushing their teeth. the one that really needed deodorant this morning insisted on NOT wearing it.
one couldn't find his sweatshirt (again) and since i refused to let him where the ripped one, that is 3 sizes too small, he missed the bus.
one was missing his math assignment.
this mama was So mad.
the kind of mad that makes me wish i was curled up underneath my covers, letting someone else be the 'mean mom' today.
my children were sad and i didn't much care.
what kind of a mother doesn't care? i didn't care if i didn't care. i guess that makes me a bad mom.
i was out of grace. plum out.
on the way to school, i realized something. it hit me right between the eyes.
Satan is having a blast. he wants me to feel like i'm failing.
he wants me to feel inadequate.
he wants me to feel depressed.
i have been praying very specific qualities for my boys for the last 31 days and he is NOT happy about that.
interesting that just yesterday, our word was 'Peace'. we had very little of THAT going on here this morning.
he is working overtime on making our home a place of discord.
he's on attack mode and i let him get the best of me.
and i'm angry about that.
when i got home, God and i did some serious talking.
i cried and i think He might have too.
'Why don't you just Trust me, Traci?"
"Why do you wait until things get so out of control before you talk to me?"
"Why are you letting Satan have HIS way in your home when having ME at the center is ALWAYS the best plan!"
in the quietness of my home, God spoke to me.
not audibly of course but with His quiet spirit.
'I am ALL you need'!
'Even when you feel like you're failing, I am not'.
'Trust me that I will give you a 'do-over'.
'Satan will NOT win'.
I am so thankful, that even when i feel like all i do is screw up these children, God is bigger than my measly, inadequate parenting skills.
He's got it covered.
that even when i, spiritually speaking, can't get my life 'in order', he's already a step ahead.
even when i feel like i've got NOTHING left emotionally for one more person, He's got me covered.
my God is compassionate.
He understands that life can be discouraging.
He 'get's' that parenting is hard.
He doesn't give up on me even when i don't give Him my best.
He protects my children's hearts. He is teaching them to graciously give their sometimes crazy mama 'do-overs'. for that i am thankful.
(after asking for forgiveness on the way to school, i got a "of course, mom".)
my children are better than i deserve.
over the years, i have struggled with depression.
thankfully, i have good medication but still, i have days.
days that all i want to do is curl up in a ball.
this morning was one of those mornings.
depression is like a roller coaster. it's going to have it's ups and downs but in the end, it'll be worth the ride. right? :) some days, i even think that i am better for it. this sometimes 'curse' has taught me to NOT rely on my own ways but to better trust HIS ways.
in days like this, all i can do is pray this:
"Lord, today, be my portion.".....
and trust that it's enough.
this song just came across my play list:
The Greatness of Our God
Give me eyes to see
More of who You are
May what I behold,
still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known
And break it all apart
For You my God, are greater still.
CHORUS
No sky contains,
No doubt restrains,
All You are,
The greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I'm far from close
To all You are,
The greatness of our God.
Give me grace to see
Beyond this moment here.
To believe that there
Is nothing left to fear.
That You alone are high above it all.
For You my God, are greater still.
No sky contains,
No doubt restrains,
All You are,
The greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I'm far from close
To all You are,
The greatness of our God.
And there is nothing
That can ever separate us.
There is nothing that can ever
separate us from Your love.
No life, no death, of this I am convinced.
You my God, are greater still.
And no words can say, or song convey,
all You are the greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I'm far from close
to all You are,
the greatness of our God.
isn't that just like Him to put that on there for ME today?
be encouraged friends.
there is light at the end of our sometimes dark tunnels.
