If Only....

today, while wading thru the mountains, and i mean MOUNTAINS of papers in our office, i ran across a spiral notebook that i had started taking notes in a few years ago. (remember the whole being obsessed about note taking??
this notebook PROVED it!)
anyways, i had started (i'm 2 pages in) making a scrapbook about ME.
once again, without sounding 'self-centered', i figured i should pass on some knowledge about me to my children. (maybe someday their wives would like to know. :))
i thought i'd start a notebook, get my thoughts in order and THEN START the book.
well, my thoughts may NEVER be in order so i thought i'd start doing some of this online.
after all, my scrapbooking attempts have failed over the past year.:(
one of my entries was...IF ONLY....so here goes what i've got thus far.....

if only....

-if only i could sing on key, i'd try out for American Idol.oh wait, i'm TOO OLD.

-if only i could relive my early 20's, i wouldn't have been so naive.

-if only i could spend a day with Jesus,would i dance for Him or in awe of Him be still??

-if only i could go to the spa once a week,i'd always have pretty toes.

-if only i could live near my sister,my life would be complete.

-if only,i could spend just one more day with my grandparents. i would tell them just one more time how much they have meant to me.

-if only i could have my boys little again, i'd slow down & hold them more. i'd be more patient.

-if only i could balance a checkbook, ya, don't know what i'd do. wouldn't matter much.

-if only i didn't like potato chips, i'd be a size 4.

-if only i didn't watch so much t.v, i'd be caught up on my reading.

-if only i didn't drive too fast, i'd be later for things than i already am.

-if only i didn't ALWAYS have freezing feet, they'd be warm!! um. duh.

working overtime.....

today was one of those days i wish i would've just stayed in bed.

2 mins. after waking the boys up, there was a fight.

"you promised me i could wear THOSE socks","those are my shorts", "can't you close your mouth when you chew?"

two of the three caught the bus, without brushing their teeth. the one that really needed deodorant this morning insisted on NOT wearing it.

one couldn't find his sweatshirt (again) and since i refused to let him where the ripped one, that is 3 sizes too small, he missed the bus.

one was missing his math assignment.

this mama was So mad.  

the kind of mad that makes me wish i was curled up underneath my covers, letting someone else be the 'mean mom' today.

 my children were sad and i didn't much care.

what kind of a mother doesn't care? i didn't care if i didn't care. i guess that makes me a bad mom.

i was out of grace. plum out.

on the way to school, i realized something. it hit me right between the eyes.

Satan is having a blast. he wants me to feel like i'm failing.

he wants me to feel inadequate.

he wants me to feel depressed.

i have been praying very specific qualities for my boys for the last 31 days and he is NOT happy about that.

interesting that just yesterday, our word was 'Peace'. we had very little of THAT going on here this morning.

he is working overtime on making our home a place of discord.

 he's on attack mode and i let him get the best of me.

and i'm angry about that.

when i got home, God and i did some serious talking.

i cried and i think He might have too.

'Why don't you just Trust me, Traci?"

"Why do you wait until things get so out of control before you talk to me?"

"Why are you letting Satan have HIS way in your home when having ME at the center is ALWAYS the best plan!"

in the quietness of my home, God spoke to me.

not audibly of course but with His quiet spirit.

'I am ALL you need'!

'Even when you feel like you're failing, I am not'.

'Trust me that I will give you a 'do-over'.

'Satan will NOT win'.

I am so thankful, that even when i feel like all i do is screw up these children, God is bigger than my measly, inadequate parenting skills.

He's got it covered.

that even when i, spiritually speaking, can't get my life 'in order', he's already a step ahead.

even when i feel like i've got NOTHING left emotionally for one more person, He's got me covered.

my God is compassionate.

He understands that life can be discouraging.

He 'get's' that parenting is hard.

He doesn't give up on me even when i don't give Him my best.

He protects my children's hearts. He is teaching them to graciously give their sometimes crazy mama 'do-overs'. for that i am thankful.

 (after asking for forgiveness on the way to school, i got a "of course, mom".)

my children are better than i deserve.

over the years, i have struggled with depression.

thankfully, i have good medication but still, i have days.

days that all i want to do is curl up in a ball.

this morning was one of those mornings.

depression is like a roller coaster. it's going to have it's ups and downs but in the end, it'll be worth the ride. right? :) some days, i even think that i am better for it. this sometimes 'curse' has taught me to NOT rely on my own ways but to better trust HIS ways.

in days like this, all i can do is pray this:
"Lord, today, be my portion.".....

and trust that it's enough.  

this song just came across my play list:

The Greatness of Our God
Give me eyes to see
More of who You are
May what I behold,
still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known
And break it all apart
For You my God, are greater still.

CHORUS
No sky contains,
No doubt restrains,
All You are,
The greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I'm far from close
To all You are,
The greatness of our God.

  
Give me grace to see
Beyond this moment here.
To believe that there
Is nothing left to fear.

That You alone are high above it all.
For You my God, are greater still.

No sky contains,
No doubt restrains,
All You are,
The greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I'm far from close
To all You are,
The greatness of our God.

And there is nothing
That can ever separate us.
There is nothing that can ever
separate us from Your love.
No life, no death, of this I am convinced.
You my God, are greater still.

And no words can say, or song convey,
all You are the greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I'm far from close
to all You are,
the greatness of our God.

isn't that just like Him to put that on there for ME today?

be encouraged friends.

 there is light at the end of our sometimes dark tunnels.



chore list.....

so, fellow mamas.

i'm needing advice.

what do you do to get your kids to work?

with GOOD attitudes!

do you pay them?

should they work for free?

do you stand above them and 'bark'. (ahem...that's me)

do you give them consciences if they don't do it "mom's way"?

i'm struggling with this. since i'm home full-time, when they get home, most of the chores are already done.

any ideas on extra chores?

this mama is overwhelmed at the thought of raising lazy men.

help.

these are my intentions.....

this is my reality.......



crows. snow. sports. parent love. hiccups. dirt. crayons.

since today is wednesday. and raining. and cold, and i'm sitting inside, loathing this weather and my big fat headache that needs to go away already, i thought i may as well talk to someone.

since everyone i know either has a life outside of me (already caught up with the bff) or a job, i've got no one to chat with except myself.

so, i'm talking to myself.

come along for the ride.

i'm sitting here watching the crows.

what makes them annoying?

it's not their color. i much like their shiny, coal black skin (fur. whatever).

it's not the fact that they eat worms, which in turn helps keep the mole population under control.

wait, i take that back.

the moles have taken over my front yard so i guess they aren't doing their job.

slackers.

could it be their somewhat annoying squawk?

yes, that's what it is.

the squawk.

moving on.

dang nabbit, wouldn't you know it.

it's snowing.

ya, that's always a great way to blanket the daffodils growing so beautifully in my flower beds.

it's not even the pretty kind.

it's just the cold kind.

there's a big difference.

oh well, it's not like i'm going anywhere or doing anything productive today anyways.

go ahead, snow. i. don't. care.

i'll just sit here and think of my family in michigan who are enjoying a 70 degree day today or i'll

ponder the fact that my folks are sitting, in HOT arizona, watching baseball while i watch crows.

 i took this picture last week. i love mornings when i can wake up to this.

now THAT'S pretty snow.

jacks basketball season has wrapped up and i'm sad about that.

now on to soccer. 

someone just told sam that if you stick your nose up to wood, your hiccups WILL stop.

it's true.

i've seen it with my very own eyes.

i love dirt. i want to smell dirt, not snow. (whatever)

crayons make me happy.

oh tim. tim. tim. tim. thank you for being an incredible example of what a real man is.

little boys are watching.

tell your parents you love them today.

don't assume they know.

ok, i need to go do some shopping online.

for a glass half empty attitude right now, this will cheer me up.

come back tomorrow.

i'll be in a better mood.

too-doo-luu.