ironic....

looking back at yesterdays post, i had to laugh to myself. how ironic it is that today, i feel absolutely defeated. more than i have in a long time. how is it that 3 little people can bring you to your knees? for the most part, i think i'm a pretty good mom. i have my moments of insanity, like ALL moms but in general, i do a fair job raising these boys. today, however, was NOT one of those days. it seems that anything that i asked of them was questioned. am i raising un-grateful children? unkind, perhaps? disrespectful? or is it ME? ungrateful, unkind and even disrespectful of them?? it's amazing all the ways that we can question our parenting when things don't go OUR way, isn't it?
we finally made it thru dinner and homework. (rye had a meeting tonight so i'm flying solo) finally after baths, bedtime. by now, my patience level is at an all time LOW and my emotional level is OFF THE CHARTS high. i think i'm like most 'chicks' in saying that when i don't know what to say, i cry. i hate pulling out 'the cry card' too often with my kids but tonight, i couldn't help it. when it was time to pray with them, i couldn't find the words so i simple prayed, "Lord, forgive us when we are can't seem to get it right. forgive us for being unkind and ungrateful and less than patient with one another. thank you for knowing our hearts even when we don't know the right words to pray. AMEN!" by the time i was done, we were all crying. me because i just 'do that' and them because they all felt bad that they had hurt me. oh, i tell you, how they humble me. tonight, i could hardly muster up the 'i forgive you' but hestitantly, i did. i hugged each one tighter than normal (not because i wanted to strangle them but because i REALLY love them) and one in particular didn't want to let me go. "i'm so sorry i hurt you mom". as i was downstairs finishing up the dishes, etc., a paper airplane hits the floor. 'i'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry mom. i love you'. :) how can i get mad at THAT??? seriously, can i feel any worse???
since i'm a few days behind in my bible reading (thru the bible in a year. The Message version)i thought this would be a great time to get caught up. maybe i'd get 'lucky' and it would have a magical answer in there for me as to how to raise these boys. it did. :) here are the two most important things i read tonight...

#1. God's spirit is right alongside us.if we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us. that's why we can be sure that every detail is worked into something good.
#2. point your kids int he right direction-
when they're old they won't be lost.

wow. talk about divine intervention! bottom line. when i think i don't have all the answers on raising these kids, it's true, i don't. however, the good news is that i'm going to keep trying my best and giving them over to God every single day. Trusting that He is going to raise them. so even when i feel like a failure of a mother, i know, that He entrusted them to me and HE WILL take care of them. even when there are days that i feel like i'm screwing them up. there will be worse days. as sorry as they are, i know there will come a day, in the very near future that they'll forget what a basket case their mom is, and mess up again. :) i know i'm sure as heck going to make a few more mistakes before they 'fly the coop'. so, fellow moms, hang in there. all this heartache is worth it. i feel honored to be their mom and it is my prayer that tomorrow will be better, that tomorrow i will let them see more of Jesus in me than they did today.
on that note, off to bed.....